apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
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if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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