Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
