Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
