my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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