you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
