I am in a vortex of obligation.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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