Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
