I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
