Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
