Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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