When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
