I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
