I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
