yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
