I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
