he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
