two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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