he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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