Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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