Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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