i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
