Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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