can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
