help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
