Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
