you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
