Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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