we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
