i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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