i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
