you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
