Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
