I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
