so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
