Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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