Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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