I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
