He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
