Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
