I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
