guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
