Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
