So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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