I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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