Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That accounts for only three of the penises
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
