I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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