My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
