i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
