y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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