you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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