dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
