FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
