you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
