Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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