Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
